“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
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“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza