There are usually two types of merchants.
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
