There are usually two types of merchants.
You Might Also Like
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Raisins are grape jerky.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”