There are usually two types of merchants.
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Punctuation Matters. Period.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.