There are usually two types of merchants.
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No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.