There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
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COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
fourth time’s the charm
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….