@UncleDuke1969

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

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@krisv_723

These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.

@TweetPotato314

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.

@KeetPotato

wife: dont do anything stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

@Gwinifer

Safe to say a good 38% of my life is spent trying to sleep while the 18yr old stomps through the house like an angry triceratops.

@MavenofHonor

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

@shutupmikeginn

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

@iwearaonesie

a fun thing to do if your wife leaves her fb open: post an argument you had but switch who said what and watch her friends agree with ‘her’