There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
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I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
The pasta is now
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart