Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

We know he can swim but…

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?

THIS GUY!

* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.