“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
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[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?