Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.

When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house

Me: What, really?

Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist

Me: I promise

Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone

Me: No I don’t

Her: Thank you, I promise

Me: Oh God

CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother

FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always

CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER:

CINDERELLA:

FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”

[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]

all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

[first date]

ME:

HIM:

*20 minutes later*

ME: how about we text each other

HIM: *already typing*

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

The life cycle of pickles:

Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat pickles

Day 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat pickles

Day 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles

I’d use my best pan on you.

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible