There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
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My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Saturday
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
He’s cranky this morning
