Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

No way!

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

Dyslexics are teople poo!

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.

– the parent who taught them to talk like that

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron