There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.