There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”