There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
You Might Also Like
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
This could be us but you eatin’
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
@ candidates for local office
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.