There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
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You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
shakira sharkira
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.