There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.
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Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.