Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!

Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?

Ages pass.

Empires rise and fall.

Dolphins develop their own space program.

The old gods return.

The stars die out and the sky goes black.

Coworker: Here you go.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

2 years later

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”

Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent

[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…

My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.

Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

Me: Tonight we dine like kings!

*checks wallet*

Me: Like burger kings!

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control

Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster