there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
me logging onto twitter
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.