there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
accurate
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Boom, boom, ching!
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand