there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
You Might Also Like
The “baby” on the left….
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
I love wikipedia
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Saturday
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.