There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*