There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
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this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee