There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
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My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I wouldn’t describe myself as an “adult”, per se. More like a “long child”.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Not all heroes wear capes…
