There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
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[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911 to put you on life support
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.