There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My mom was a little overprotective. She made me wear a helmet every time I rode my bike. It was an exercise bike and I was 19, but hey, her house, her rules.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.