There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
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MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Fidel Castro was alive?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”