Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays

“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

Flowers bee like

You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.