“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
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count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Morning all.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this