“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
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How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Hmm, not sure about this change
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.