Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

Everything reminds me of my ex

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Me: I want to travel

Bank account: Where? To work?

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive