Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”

please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”

If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.

i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time

A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it