Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Yes I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.

I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

*puts my mental health in rice

Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet

Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest

Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…

Therapist: Is this true?

Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.