Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix

Does beer think about me too?

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far

‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate