There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
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date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono