There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
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[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Oh boy, $150,000!
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
The real reason evolution started..😂
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse