There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
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If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.