[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
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My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.