Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.

I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

me: why

bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive

*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*

*audience claps politely*

I’m a good person!

You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

[Running a marathon]

Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.