Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.

My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

How old do I look?

9yo: 30

Aww, you deserve ice crea-

9yo: Just like grandma

-m but too bad you’re not getting any

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice