There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
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VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃