There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
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Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Mountain Goat : )
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”