There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
You Might Also Like
They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
every man in east london
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.