There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
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I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
bags with threatening auras
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
These work great until they don’t.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”