There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Awesome parenting 😂
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
