There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
never deleting this app.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”