There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough