There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
you’re not fooling anyone
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.