There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Warm pools make me nervous.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*