There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music