There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
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Whoa 😂
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*