There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
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[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
cry laughing at this shit
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
This one’s “Alex”.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
By Kate Hatos
