Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot

me:

waiter:

me: lmao

waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u

me: oh definitely

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

Dear God,

Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.

~ All women

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house