there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.