There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
This billboard speaks to me
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
translated into Canadian
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
Where is your GOD now????
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
