There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
