There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
this came to me in a vision
