There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
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Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!