There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
