There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Last-minute gift idea!
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.