There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
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[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
When your man makes a valid point
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs