there has never been a better use of this meme
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My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance