There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Lmfaoooooo
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
