There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
You Might Also Like
Ok but actually
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Best seat on the street 😍
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.