Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me opening up to someone

Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children

Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”

*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.