There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
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Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
stand with me against insufficient seating
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
When he asks for feet pics
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.