There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*