Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Feels

My circle of trust is a meatball

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”

People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax

Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.