There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)