There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
is he marrying that labradoodle
