There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
