There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
i think we should see other cousins
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
