There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

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Me: Let me pet your dogs, mister!

Him: Not you again. Get outta here!


Me: *wearing moustache* Excuse me sir


I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.


me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie


When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I’m constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.


Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.


Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries


One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.


My ex bf called me today. I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up.

Should make him wonder a lil bit.