Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.

*puts my mental health in rice

Me: We are a team.

Husband: Yes.

Me: We are in this together.

Husband: OK.

Me: It’s you and me.

Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?

Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”

“Nothing matters….”

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti

Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore

Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

Them: Why are you single?

Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose