Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!

2020: Nope.

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

cop: is this your chocolate factory?

wonka: why do you ask

cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor

wonka: that 8 year old owns it now

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.

Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.

Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

HER: i love bad boys

ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed