Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter

My safe word is “insufficient funds”.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.