Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

liiiiiiiiike

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck