There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
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If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems